Tuesday, 2 June 2009


I don't drive a lot. I don't even have a car. But since sprogging it's become much less practical to always travel by train, so I end up hiring a car once a month or so - like last weekend. We had a family wedding to go to, so Friday night I picked up the car and set off to Cambridge the following day. Pretty easy drive on the way there (and rather a pleasant weekend), but the journey back on Sunday night... honestly, I swear people were deliberately trying to make me crazy.

So, if you're also a driver, here're a few tips for how not to meet with my ire:
  1. Don't overtake people when you're in a slower lane than they are. Really, seriously, don't. It's not cool. It's more than a little dangerous - for a start, the person you just overtook isn't expecting you to be there, so may well pull into you, and on top of that you just removed their ability to get out of the way of everyone else. You know, they may actually have been trying to get out of your way when you decided that you couldn't wait?
  2. Indicating is really useful. Was it maybe abolished and I didn't get the memo? How the hell am I supposed to know what you're doing if you don't indicate? My favourite trick there is when you indicate you're about to overtake, and then the car behind with no warning pulls out and overtakes you. Maybe they're going for bonus style points?
  3. Don't drive along the middle lane of an otherwise free-flowing motorway at 50 miles an hour. Asshat.
Feel free to disagree with me from the comfort of your armchair, but please stop pulling those tricks on the road. It both annoys and terrifies me. Mostly the latter.

On an even more disturbing note, I stopped off for a coffee on the way back. And noticed the little vending machine thing in the toilets, and couldn't help wondering: Have I been doing long distance journeys wrong all these years? Does everyone else regularly need to buy condoms, disposable hand wipes, lube, a vibrator and a packet of painkillers when travelling? If so, what on earth do you need that exact combination of items for? Am I driving unsafely as a result of my ignorance? It's a worry, I must say.

Oh, and while on the subject of things that drive me up the wall, please everyone: Don't say "blah blah blah" when you mean "and so on" or "for example" or "words fail me, but you know what I mean". It really gets on my nerves, and makes you appear to have a stunted vocabulary.

On top of that, stop eating cod. All of you. The wishful thinking must end before the species does. There are many more tasty fish in the sea.